Saturday, May 14, 2011
An all too familiar rage...
It overtook me
Like the flood waters of the Mississippi
Consuming both my breath
And her feeling of safety
As I stood there shaking
Like I was a stranger
Waiting for the weakest moment
To invade the sanity that was barely being held onto
Leaving both of us shaking
Grasping for an idea that was shattered
Leaving the lurking shadow of a scythe
That I wasn't aware I was holding
Even though I could feel the cold cloak wrap around me,
Choking me...
Death's own bones enveloping me, under my pale skin
Taking control of any logic I had left
As it ripped at me...crushing my lungs as I tried to breathe
I tried so hard to fend it off, but that scythe's cold metal
Is oh so familiar
Even if it's one that I've fought off for so long
Hadn't let interrupt the information flow between the dendrites to the axon terminals
All parts of the the usually unobstructed neurons that command my rationale
Like the flood waters of the Mississippi
Consuming both my breath
And her feeling of safety
As I stood there shaking
Like I was a stranger
Waiting for the weakest moment
To invade the sanity that was barely being held onto
Leaving both of us shaking
Grasping for an idea that was shattered
Leaving the lurking shadow of a scythe
That I wasn't aware I was holding
Even though I could feel the cold cloak wrap around me,
Choking me...
Death's own bones enveloping me, under my pale skin
Taking control of any logic I had left
As it ripped at me...crushing my lungs as I tried to breathe
I tried so hard to fend it off, but that scythe's cold metal
Is oh so familiar
Even if it's one that I've fought off for so long
Hadn't let interrupt the information flow between the dendrites to the axon terminals
All parts of the the usually unobstructed neurons that command my rationale
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Just another lie
Just another lie...
Can we trust what we see?
Trust what we hear
or are we all scared children looking up into the eyes
of a nun
her fingers caressing the end of a ruler
she uses to bruise our knuckles
silencing our questions
those questions that never really go away
they just become placated and forgotten
in suffocated momements...
reminding us that we are smaller than we'd like to be
our voice choked out of us
until we are left straddling our own corpses
and broken memories
that haunt us
never seeming to find peace
to my pearl of the stars
deAna...I love you. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for understanding my crazy and being willing to help me on my path to find inner peace. I am so lucky to have you in my life. You are the best wife anyone could ask for.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
It says he's a scared little boy...
The following poems are dedicated to Dylan...I gave you four years of friendship. I gave you family when you had none. I gave you support when you felt like your life was falling apart. Now that you have your family back and can't stand to have other people care about you because it's "too much pressure" you walked out...no real rhyme or reason except that you are a scared little boy... even though you keep telling us "you're a grown ass man."
Why is breathing so hard?
Breathe...can I remember how?
In and out...it's not hard
So why am I struggling to remember now?
To remember that my feet are on the ground
Even though it feels like it's gone and I'm falling,
Grasping for anything, but none of it can support my weight
Or maybe nothing'll hold me because I was grasping for you,
But you're falling too
Trying to grab me so that when you hit bottom
It'll soften the blow,
But leaves me broken, lying in a puddle of shattered years
Breathe...breathe...just remember to breathe...
But it's the "simple" things I find myself forgetting
As I try to distract myself by being present in seconds...in moments
Even though the walls are closing in
And you're on the other side looking in
Showing me how "strong" you are
As you push the walls closer in...
Hiding under the porch
You finally admitted
You'd long since walked away,
Unable to be honest, instead hiding behind a mask
Each time you stepped between my walls...
But for a second you let the mask slip away
Leaving me feeling betrayed
Armed with only a pocket knife to fend off the hungry wolves
That like to hide under my bed until I'm most vulnerable...
You said it was too much to bare
As the wolves pulled me limb from limb...
But you assured me "This is what real men do"
When in reality, after I stopped looking
You ran to hide under the front porch
Expecting the wrath to eventually come forth,
When it had long since passed.
Boys and Girls Can't Play Together
My head is still swimming
Eyes puffy as I force a smile...
I have to play make believe today
Like I'm five again and
I'll even put myself in the mommy role,
Just to keep my mind off it all.
Yet there are still moments
When all I can hear is the loud ticking
Of my decoupaged clock
That lets me know when I can
Close each person's book
Even though half the time I forget to read
Pretending to be at a college reading level
When apparently I can't pass the fourth grade
But this isn't about them
It's about him...
Then man I let into my life
The one who ran away like all the others
After we had spent so many days building forts
And playing in the mud
but I must have missed the yard duty's whistle
Cause apparently boys and girls can't play together.
Why is breathing so hard?
Breathe...can I remember how?
In and out...it's not hard
So why am I struggling to remember now?
To remember that my feet are on the ground
Even though it feels like it's gone and I'm falling,
Grasping for anything, but none of it can support my weight
Or maybe nothing'll hold me because I was grasping for you,
But you're falling too
Trying to grab me so that when you hit bottom
It'll soften the blow,
But leaves me broken, lying in a puddle of shattered years
Breathe...breathe...just remember to breathe...
But it's the "simple" things I find myself forgetting
As I try to distract myself by being present in seconds...in moments
Even though the walls are closing in
And you're on the other side looking in
Showing me how "strong" you are
As you push the walls closer in...
Hiding under the porch
You finally admitted
You'd long since walked away,
Unable to be honest, instead hiding behind a mask
Each time you stepped between my walls...
But for a second you let the mask slip away
Leaving me feeling betrayed
Armed with only a pocket knife to fend off the hungry wolves
That like to hide under my bed until I'm most vulnerable...
You said it was too much to bare
As the wolves pulled me limb from limb...
But you assured me "This is what real men do"
When in reality, after I stopped looking
You ran to hide under the front porch
Expecting the wrath to eventually come forth,
When it had long since passed.
Boys and Girls Can't Play Together
My head is still swimming
Eyes puffy as I force a smile...
I have to play make believe today
Like I'm five again and
I'll even put myself in the mommy role,
Yet there are still moments
When all I can hear is the loud ticking
Of my decoupaged clock
That lets me know when I can
Close each person's book
Even though half the time I forget to read
Pretending to be at a college reading level
When apparently I can't pass the fourth grade
But this isn't about them
It's about him...
Then man I let into my life
The one who ran away like all the others
After we had spent so many days building forts
And playing in the mud
but I must have missed the yard duty's whistle
Cause apparently boys and girls can't play together.
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