Sometimes it's just too much and you have to take a breath...

Things are not good for me right now...
(I know they will pass and I know others have it worse)
I am in my own funk now...The funk has spread to my guts and makes it feel like there is rotten meat in my stomach. I made myself throw up because of it, but it didn't make it better.
Even my morning coffee wasn't enough and the cold peaches tasted wrong...
So I came home early today, not able to be of benefit to anyone.
I slept. I tried to get away from it and it's still there.
The rotten meat...the sadness...the emptiness...
I am in my own funk now...I need to remember to breathe...

Aliens are coming!

No...I am not crazy...or paranoid...well maybe I am a little, but it's cool. My friends are too, so at least I have support. No, but really this shit is crazy.  We have really been watching a lot of this shit, and some things are going down and they are going to be going down soon.
Oh and if you are one of those people that don't think that aliens exist than you are pretty damn narcissistic to think that we are the only planet in the infinite number of galaxies that have the potential to sustain life. They are already discovering earth like planets...
Open your eyes dude...and if you think it conflicts with your religion than either get a new religion or join a sect that's not as closed minded. Otherwise when the aliens do show up, your head might explode.

What does this say about him? about me? (The shortened tale of a hectic craptastic weekend)

This weekend has been hectic...
Someone who is or was my friend knocked over the hookah and three coals end up on the carpet. Needless to say the carpet totally lost that battle. It resulted in my friend/roommate getting second degree burns on her hand.
This whole time I am trying to settle down to go to sleep. My wife comes back in explaining what happened and I come out and slowly start seeing the black, burnt, fucked up spots on the floor. All the while I am pouring aloe Vera on my friend's hand and trying to wrap it.
Yes...I yell. I yell things such as "how in the fuck do you burn three holes in the carpet!"
I yell things such as "this is fucked up! This is going to cost hundreds of dollars to fix and we are trying to buy a house!"
Other things of this nature are yelled. I eventually go to bed. The friend that did knock over the hookah, the one that I don't recall saying I am sorry leaves my friend/roommate alone while she is crying in pain (my wife is in our bedroom with me thinking that our roommate is getting taken care of). He says that he is done with this shit and that I have no right to talk to him like that...
He says he's never coming back.
We have been friends for four years and this is only the second time in all those years where I have yelled at him. He has not spoken to me since.
He has not said any of this to my face.
He is one of my best friends...
I don't know or understand why he is reacting this way. If the roles had been reversed he would have probably reacted the same way. I, however, would have offered to pay. He apparently even said that he was going to pay but since I had yelled he wasn't going to. He did potentially hundreds of dollars worth of damage to the carpet and who is left to pay for it? The roommate witness who got second degree burns trying to help rectify the mess he made. And the the married couple who wasn't even in the room. How unfair is this shit? I would have said that I was sorry. I would not have ended a friendship with him.
What does all this say about our friendship? What does this say about him? About me?
I keep thinking that this will pass. I keep waiting for my phone to ding and for there to be a text from him. I keep holding back my tears because I can't accept that this is what destroyed our friendship.
I am feeling lost...angry...sad...a lot of things.
I keep asking what this says about a lot of things.

Even after all of this I have the stress of trying to get loan shit together with the house I am trying to buy.
We have a bad experience going to this new bbq place that we heard was epic.
Things are just not as good as they could have been,

My wife has tried to contact him. Has tried to tell him Happy Easter before explaining that we need to talk.
I have to see him tomorrow. He works where I work. I got him the job.
He left his work keys at our apartment. He always leaves shit here. He still has our house key.
What does all this mean? Is it really over? Can he really think that I am really overreacting and end our friendship over this shit?
Maybe we were right when we said he changed...

I guess I can only wait now...maybe some day soon he will come back...I miss him and he's only been gone two days.

Artist you should check out!

If you are into photography or you aren't into photography you should check out Peter Lik. deAna and I saw his work when we were in Las Vegas last Christmas and it is the most amazing photography I have ever seen. It started bring tears to my eyes I was so moved. I have NEVER had that happen before. His photos are way more intense in person then they are on his website because the prints are put onto this light reflective paper that make the colors even more vibrant. Still, he is a must see. It has actually become one of my life goals to own one of his prints.

 http://www.peterlik.com/

Things you should know about gamers

     Fact: I am a gamer. 
     Fact: I am that pimp that I can be a gamer and still have a sexy lady
     Fact: I know the difference between a game and reality...
 
     I love playing video games. It helps me calm down...
     You can laugh all you want, but think about it; I get to focus on one thing. I can tune out the world and not have to deal with it's bullshit. I can shoot guys in the head and it's okay. I can get involved with and enjoy some epic story lines. It's my own escape. However, don't get me wrong. I do have a life outside of gaming. I work a M-F 8-5 job. I am married and am very engaged in the progression of our relationship. I clean my house. I a a really good cook (which is one of my other joys and I will eventually get to it. I love cooking for other people). I take care of shit. But I will also spend as much of my free time, when I am alone, playing video games. That means that I have spent some Saturdays playing all day long. No, I don't always do that.
      Okay so why are you reading this pointless bit of information about me you might ask? Simple...I think people who think that video games cause violence are fucking stupid. I also think that if you are one of those people who uses video games for an excuse for your violence are even more fucking stupid and I want to kick you in the nuts or vagina for making the rest of us look crazy. And no I do not want to cause harm to them because I saw it in a video game. I want to do it because I want to do it. I mean really, how dumb can you be to not know the difference? And really, if you are having trouble knowing the difference there is probably something really wrong with you. I mean you probably were torturing animals and burning your little sister's barbie dolls. You may have even "accidentally" tried to burn your house down with everybody in it.
      Why can't people just be responsible for their own fucking actions? Yes, bad shit happens to people and bad shit can affect how people react in situations. However, it is still your fucking choice to have not dealt with it. I mean if you are under the age of 18 then I think your parents are ultimately responsible for not getting you the help. Of course, parents don't want to admit they are wrong either. It's always someone else's fault. Here's an example:
      Principal: "Mr and Mrs Smith (because it's usually some fucking crazy white boy. What does it really say when your race produces so many crazy serial killers and serial killers in training?) We are here today because your son Johnathon threatened to kill a boy in school yesterday and then brought a hunting knife to school today. Luckily somebody saw it in his backpack when he was getting his books out and let us know. We've talked about his behavior before. "
      Mrs. Smith: "Oh I can't believe that Johnny would bring a weapon to school. He would never hurt anybody. He's just different. People have trouble understanding him."
      Mr. Smith: "Boy, I fucking told you not to do this shit again."
      Mrs. Smith: "Honey, it's okay...Johnny didn't mean anything. This is just a misunderstanding."
      Principal: "There is no mistake. Johnathon did bring the knife to school. Is this yours Mr. Smith?" He shows the large hunting knife.
      Mr. Smith: "No I've never seen that knife before. I don't keep things like that in the house."
      The principal looks at Mr. Smith. He knows that he is lying. "Are you sure it's not? Do you want to look at it a little close?"
       Mr. Smith: "I told you it wasn't fucking mine. Come on son we are leaving. We will deal with this when we get home."
      Principal: "We aren't done here."
      Mr. Smith: "I'll tell you when we are done. Son let's go."
      They all get up to leave. Mrs. Smith stays a few second longer. "He really is a good boy."
      Principal: "He is suspended pending an expulsion hearing. This behavior is not allowed."
      She tries to persuade the principal to rethink his behavior. Then blah blah blah. They get home. The dad beats the shit out of the son and then he goes into his room and listens to either gangsta rap or heavy metal and stews in his rage until he snaps and kills either his family or everyone at school. Fuck Johnny and his crazy killing kitties when he's five ass. Fuck mommy and daddy Smith for being fucking douche bags and not taking any responsibility...

       Wow I feel like I kind of went on a crazy tangent there...
        Okay so what did we learn?

         Real gamers don't kill people because of video games
         Crazy people kill people.
         Parents should take some responsibility for their kids.
         I hate it when people don't take responsibility for their own actions.
         Oh and if you don't agree with this...you are probably one of the people I am talking about.
    

         Oh and one more important thing before I go. It is something that almost never gets brought up and I am going to make it bold so that you get it. IF YOU ARE A PARENT AND YOU LET YOUR CHILD PLAY THE SAME VIDEO GAMES THAT YOU DO AND I DO (MEANING IT IS RATED M) YOU ARE A FUCKING STUPID IGNORANT MOTHER FUCKER. THOSE GAMES ARE NOT INTENDED FOR THEM. When you are 5 years old you don't get right and wrong the same way we do. Why do you need to subject them to that shit at such a young age? When you get older you get jaded and being able to shoot a fake computer image in the head is awesome. BE RESPONSIBLE for your fucking kids man. If you don't understand why this is an issue then you are that parent. You are that fucking stupid. 

    


    

R.I.P KDC 1967-1994

 KDC

I dedicate this to you
You who changed me and helped me find my voice
Even though you had long since burned
I know you didn't do it intentionally
But you did it none the less.
I can remember what I was doing when I heard
I was 11
It was two years before I started my journey
An obsession that eventually became my hiding spot
It was before I realized you had lost your voice
And that your trust in her had become shrapnel
It now 17 years later and we all still miss you
And the 69 have still not risen from their graves
My eyes still water at the thought of you
Years after I grew to know and love you
Miles after I worked where they tried to rip your converse from your feet
And send you down the river after all those other lost souls...

I'm freezing...

                I am sitting in my parents house. It's lunch time and I had a sandwich. I was reading the news and I came across and article on Yahoo  (http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/20110405/ts_yblog_thelookout/japanese-nuclear-plant-worker-discusses-choice-to-sacrifice-his-life) that was talking about the workers in Japan that are deciding to stay and work at the Fukushima Daichii Nuclear Complex. Reporters are saying that they realize that continuing to work there is practically a "suicide mission." I greatly respect these people that are putting the needs of their country over the needs of themselves, however it did get me to thinking...would I, or anyone that I know of, do the same thing?
                 I think that as Americans a lot of us take things for granted. We expect their to be clean water that comes out of our faucets. We expect their to be food at the stores that we can afford. We expect...we expect...we expect. The level of expectation also seems to bring about entitlement. I have to listen to people that feel entitled daily. We are part of an individualistic country that seems to think that having this mentality will still, somehow, allow them to be in a situation where other people take care of the. A situation where you can do nothing and expect everything.
                Look at Japan. It's a collectivist culture that has been able to maintain a large portion of it's heritage while being a world power. That is something that we can't understand. Granted, I think there are people in this country that would do the same thing that the workers in Japan are doing. We can see acts like this in people who are Firefighters and people that work for nonprofits that are not corrupt (which are few and far between) and really are trying to fight the good fight. I do not believe, however, that there are very many people in our country that would do that.
               For you crazy conservatives out there (whom I doubt would be following my blog anyway) I am not saying that Japan is a better country then us. I am just saying that they are different. And yes, I do realize that there are people in Japan that do not want to work their either due to their own fears. I am just pointing out that I think the difference in our cultures is most likely an influence in the decisions of those to work there.
                The only person that I can really ask about this though is myself...I don't know what I would do, but I doubt that I would say yes. Circumstances could potentially change my mind, but those would have to be extraordinary. I am happy with my life and I don't want to be subjected to radiation and God knows what else.
                 This brings me to another point...WHY THE FUCK DOES ANYONE THINK THAT NUCLEAR POWER IS A GOOD IDEA? If we end up going full throttle into Nuclear War we are not only going to decimate the country we are bombing, we are fucking ourselves over too. I mean it's not like we can send off a nuclear weapon and not expect to get one returned to us. Uh...hello...that would be World War III and the end would be death to everyone. I really think that people should be more educated about the ramifications of nuclear power. I mean look at what it is doing to Japan. There was a horrendous natural disaster (which can happen anywhere at any time) and a structure that has walls that are several feet thick, is having reactor leaks and people are putting their lives at risk to try to contain it. I mean they just  found radiation in food in Spokane...ugh...sometimes I really think that all of our world leaders are fucking morons.
                  We continue to try keep ourselves separate instead of looking at the bigger picture...we need aliens to show up already so we can realize that we are not all powerful and that there is really something smarter than us out there. Oh and on a side note...yes aliens do exist. If you don't believe in them you are a narcissistic moron. I am sorry if it changes your religious views. Read a few books before you make completely ridiculous claims.
                   Anyway, back to work...

the bliss in domesticity

        It's Sunday...that's house wife day, laundry day, cook new meal day. I woke up this morning, changed, put on some coffee and proceeded to get to it. I wrote the check for rent. I took out the dog and dropped off the rent.  When I came back I turned on the computer to put on Pandora Radio, which is one of the most amazing websites ever. I quick mixed two of my three stations: "deAna calls it butt rock" (a mix of rock and some alternative) and "goth love," (a tribute to my angsty teens and VERY early 20s).  I then proceeded to clean the shit out of the kitchen (minus the fridge...that's a lengthy, lengthy task) and found us a way to give us a small pantry like thing. I even found a big bowl and added fruit to it and set the unopened bottle of Luchador Shiraz next to it. It create a nice, domesticated touch to the kitchen that is adorned with a million magnets on the fridge, a Zombie Survival Guide poster, and a around a dozen little sheets of white paper with Spanish words and defining pictures.
        I continued rocking out as I picked up the living room, arranged some candles and attempted to vacuum the apartment. I didn't think it was working very well so I took out my screwdriver and was able to fix the problem...unclog it.  Oh, and mind you, the whole while I am doing laundry and I think I made the bed and scrubbed the toilet. Even though deAna is cleaning it tomorrow.
        Then it's Video games. Uncharted 2. I love video games, except for when you have to do the same thing over and over again because you can't kill a fucking dude that you've shot a million times in the head because you don't get the end melee attack even though I know I was pushing the fucking triangle for a counter attack. It still upsets me. Yes, the stupid game upsets me. Yes, I am one of those gamers that gets really into her games and sometimes wants to throw the fucking control through the t.v. because you are positive it is the game and not you. But yes, I still love video games...
          I tried to create magic using glass, metal, something black, fire, perfumes of spring mist, some lavender smelling dryer sheets, a spare hair tie and of course a cardboard toilet paper tube...the results were funny. I was able to save the pieces so I could mess with them later.
          I eventually took the dog out again, emptied the dishwasher and sat down to play video games again. I took a break. I realized that I was totally in love with how much cleaner the house is. I am continuously contemplating what new thing I am going to make for dinner. I am excited for my wife and our good friend/family/roommate, to come home so that they can see what I did today. I mean I am glad for them to get home too, but I mean, the house looks good...
         That's when it hit me, well hit me again, I like domesticity. I like having two people that I love living with me. I love cooking for them, showing them that I can clean well and doing things to make all our our lives easier. If I could, I really think I would be a house wife. I mean I would paint and write and still do therapy, but my main job would be to stay home with the kids. How weird is that? I think it's weird. I really need to find something that makes me happier. I need to do that curriculum for Evergreen. I need to get more supervision so that I can go into private practice...God I can't wait until we sign on our house. I really think that is going to be a catalyst because I really feel that means I am entering another phase in my life.

i am darwinism...

Do you think you know me?
You probably think you do,
but I am darwinism...
changing my molecular structure
to do nothing...
something...anything...
i made her grab me last night,
pulling me close before she went off to sleep
between snores and pushing the sheet away from her leg
All the while I am still evolving,
trying to make skip a few generations,
but it is pointless
i can't manifest another me
without the use of science
but I'll still attempt to change me,
taking bits and pieces of others to try to create a new double helix
without a background in genetics.
I keep pretending I know what I'm doing
but half the time I'm as lost as her
Stumbling through a monotonous routine of complacency
Promising to buy her a new piece of mediocrity
While trying to wrap it in gold
So that we can pretend it's worth more than it is,
Even though we know
This is just the beginning of our structural change...

Life is better with coffee...

            I'm sitting here with a fresh cup of coffee waiting to be drunk...it's 6:15pm. I feel like I'm getting ready for a long night, but that's won't really be the case. Everyday, well almost everyday, I start out with a cup of coffee...a love, a simplicity that I have convinced myself is worth getting up for in the morning. It's definitely a hard sell. I find myself having trouble getting past a block. For once I have the ability to say what I want and now I can't seem to find the words, or even topic to start with. My roommates find this to be a wonderful outlet; something they find to be cathartic. I, however, still, in some ways, hold my tongue. I function in an m-f /8-5 world where it's always about somebody else. I sit through so many stories trying to help those telling them keep themselves together.  I struggle with it daily. It's really hard to be in the other chair when you are completely helpless. Granted, people are responsible for their own lives, but when they feel lost and they say "my life is in your hands" it's hard not to feel stuck.
              It's all really quite funny though, me being here, the person in the other chair. Especially after years of being the person on the couch. In reality I still am, trying to work through my own struggles. I am still fighting my own inner demons and that voice that tells me some pretty crappy things. I used to not be able to ignore it. I used to be tortured...now I just have moments of suffering. I am working on letting those moments go faster and faster.
              Let me take you back, about eight years ago. I was 19. I was with a freaking nutcase and I had lost it. I couldn't tell reality from dreams and I was running trying desperately to grab onto some truth. I couldn't find it. She couldn't lead me to it. If fact she kept leading me away from it. Then came decision time. San Francisco State University of Washington State University? WSU won out. I did it to save myself which is pretty ironic since I think I came the closest to killing myself that year. I didn't know that at the time. I needed to get away from everything that was trying to kill me. I needed to start over. So I loaded up a u haul and drove from Hollister, CA to Pullman, WA on New Year's day 2004. I had a hangover. My mom and I were in my jeep and my dad was driving the u haul. I was excited and scared all at the same time.
                By the time we got to my new apartment in Pullman it was cold as shit. I think it was 10 degrees, maybe less. My California grown ass was not excited about this weather and especially not the feet of snow. Eventually my parents left...I was alone...I had to push myself. I was tired of sitting at home with papa john's pizza and Friday Night Stand Up on comedy central (it was my savior in the beginning. It kept me laughing.). I was already struggling with my sexuality at this time so I went and joined the GLBTA and I met a girl...you know in every story, there is always a girl.
                She helped me to come out...I fell in love with her. She never fell in love with me, but I kept hanging on hoping that I could change her mind. I was so desperate for any small feeling of happiness that I put up with her shit. That whole year I tried to date other girls...but there was always her. I risked my job...and I almost dropped out of school to move to Seattle, to be closer to her. I was already miserable and wanted to die. She was the only light I had...
                I didn't follow her.
                But I came very close.
               Instead I found myself having nights where I drank an entire bottle of Raspberry Vodka with Ruby Red Squirt. There may of may not have been a knife or a bottle of pills in my hand at some point that night. I called a friend. I apparently passed out on the phone with them. I had two others that were supposed to be friends come over the next day. They saw the empty bottle...they kind of asked about it...they never really saw anything wrong.
                I almost stayed, afraid to make another move again, but I realized that I had to move again or I'd be dead. Two moves in one year to try to save me.
                I didn't think I could be saved.

                Everything changed. I went to The Evergreen State College. There were a few girls between that move and my wife, whom I'm happily with now. Of course...there was another girl in the middle of that who shattered me. She told me that I had nothing to fear and I believed her. It really was the most emotional 4 months that led to two more years of self loathing. There is still a wound in my heart from her that may never heal. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife more than anything and the love I have with my wife is more real and seasoned, but there is still that part she owns. It's weird to say. I even feel guilty. I don't believe you ever stop loving someone even though sometimes that love feels like hate. There is a scar in my heart left from her, that is the part she owns. There are lots of scars on my heart, but she is one of the biggest ones.
                After her I finished school. I started going to grad school, but I had a gaping wound that I kept trying to fill. It took two years for it to close enough so that I could be willing to accept love. That moment started in Hawaii. I found a love tiki...I got that love tiki tattooed and made a choice. I made a choice to finally try something different.
                 It was two years after our initial meeting at a party that she came back into my life...we began to fall for each other during a camping trip. It was a long, long fall...a fall where I was trying to "save" myself from the ultimate bottom. I t didn't work. I finally fell utterly in love with her. I couldn't stop it and I'm glad I didn't. She has helped me want to continue changing. She has helped me get out of that pit that I was in. I am changing. I am realizing that life is a series of moments. I am realizing that my flaws are my fault because I haven't dealt with what caused the scars. I am slowly tattooing over them now, but I have a long ways to go.
                 Now I have a wife, a career, and I am buying a house...
                  I have a dog and two cats...
                  We are planning for our future...
                  However, I still have a lot of past resentment.
                  I still have those past fears...I am who I am now because of the things I've learned and the scars I still hold onto. I am hoping that some sort of release will happen and I can finally stop trying to control everything. I want to find peace in more than just sporadic moment.